Normally I would have about 10 exclamation points after the subject of Home, but this is a different kind of home. My grandma is going home.

Like it or not (NOT) my grandma is dying. {That’s the first time I have used that phrase and I don’t like it. I have been saying “my grandma is sick” and things like that} . It’s a very strange place where my head is at right now.

My emotions are pulled in all different directions. I am sad. I’m sad for my grandma to be hurting and sick. I’m sad if she feels scared or nervous. I’m sad for my mom having to watch her mom die. That would be the worst kind of torture. I am sad for my family. Hopefully they handle death better than I do. I’m glad that grandma can see her husband and little girl when she gets to heaven. I am happy that she has lived such a great life. I am proud that I’m her granddaughter. I’m nervous for the funeral. I hate funerals. Death is something I have never been able to wrap my head around and this one is going to be a doozy for me.

Grandma Smith has always been there. Always. She lived 20 minutes away from us when I grew up. We got together at holidays. She came to our events and concerts. We went camping and fishing together. We had sleepovers and she’d let me wear a pair of her silky jammies, and we would fall asleep in her bed watching While You Were Sleeping. That was our movie. We had tea parties with oreos and milk. She was invincible Grandma Smith and was always going to be around.

I use past tense because that has all stopped. I grew up and moved away. I see her about once every year or two at reunions and holidays, and we send her pictures of the boys, but that’s about it. That makes me sad.

When someone asks how I am doing, the word ‘sad’ is the first one that comes to mind. But of all the emotions I’m feeling, happy is one of the strongest. How happy it must be to know you get to see your husband and little daughter again. How happy it would feel to not hurt anymore. How happy will it be to know you did it. Your test is over. You can finally graduate. I am happy that she has lived such an amazing life and in a few weeks or months, she gets to go home.

I love my Grandma. I am glad I get to spend some time with her next week. It’s going to be hard and happy and sad and confusing, but I’m going to be ok because I know she’s moving on to better things.


“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

–Vicki Harrison


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